There are conversations in your firm that keep going around in circles. Someone explains why there is nothing they can do. Someone else points out who is at fault. A third person steps in to sort it out. Everyone leaves frustrated. Nothing is really resolved, and before long, the same problem is back, often on a partner’s desk. If that sounds familiar, turn on almost any reality television program. The format is designed and edited to amplify this pattern. People blame, defend and rescue. Positions change quickly, conflict escalates, and the audience keeps watching. It makes good television. It does not make a good workplace.
The pattern has a name: the Karpman Drama Triangle. Its three positions are Victim – “There’s nothing I can do”; Persecutor – “This is your fault”; and Rescuer – “Leave it with me. I’ll fix it.” I explored the triangle recently with participants in our Think Like an Owner program. What struck me is how rarely people choose these positions consciously. We are seduced into them. Nor are they fixed – I’ve watched one person occupy all three within a single conversation. Each position in the triangle creates and sustains the other two. On reality television, that is the product. In a firm, it is a cost.
Problems circle. Relationships deteriorate. People become defensive or dependent. Everyone is influencing everyone else, but nobody is influencing the conversation positively. I asked the group what the way out of each position might look like. We explored the alternative offered by David Emerald’s Empowerment Dynamic: Victim to Creator, Rescuer to Coach, and Persecutor to Challenger. Then came the more interesting question: what enables those shifts? What emerged was that drama runs on statements and unsolicited opinions. People explain why they cannot act, declare who is at fault, or hand someone else an answer they never asked for.
The shift often begins with a generative question – one that opens up new or deeper thinking. Victim: “What can I do here?” Rescuer: “How could I best help them make the move themselves?” Persecutor: “What is the real barrier, and what can we do about it?” Not every question will do that. As I wrote last week, it requires genuine interest in the answer, openness to being surprised, and a willingness to change your own thinking. Otherwise, it is simply another statement disguised as a question.
The first leadership move is awareness: recognising that the conversation has entered the triangle. That gives you the opportunity to pause, take ownership of the conversation, and work with people to uncover the real barrier – not decide what is wrong with them. Awareness does not solve the problem. It gives you a choice about your next move. When a conversation in your firm begins going around in circles, will you recognise the triangle before it recruits you?
